MORDOR — Sauron, the fallen Maia best known for engulfing Middle-Earth in two apocalyptic wars, has endorsed real estate mogul and reality TV star Donald Trump for president of the United States. This comes as to shock to those who thought that Sauron was destroyed at the end of the Third Age.
Though Sauron’s power greatly diminished after the destruction of The One Ring, a fragment of his broken spirit has endured for millennia, and still lurks beneath the ruins of Barad-dûr (present-day Gadsden, Alabama). The Dark Lord is currently not powerful enough to assume a physical form, but still has the presence of mind to follow the Republican presidential primaries.
“Donald Trump is the only candidate who can fulfill my vision for the future,” Sauron said Saturday night in an omnipresent, ethereal whisper. “Just as I spread darkness and suffering across Middle-Earth, so shall Trump bring darkness to Middle America.”
In many ways, Trump is a natural choice for Sauron. During his tenure as the Dark Lord of Mordor, Sauron enacted or supported numerous controversial policies, including the expansion of torture, the murder of Rohirrim families, and the deportation of 12 million dwarves.
When asked about Sauron on NBC’s Meet the Press, Trump seemed hesitant to distance himself from the evil necromancer. “I don’t think the American people want me to dismiss every Dark Lord before I have a chance to learn more about them,” said Trump. “I just don’t know anything about Sauron or his dark legion of orcs, trolls, and Nazgûl; I need to do more research.”
Trump’s refusal to disavow Sauron’s support has sparked huge backlash from pundits and fellow presidential candidates, who claim that Trump is himself a lieutenant of the Dark Lord. The Republican frontrunner took to Twitter to refute this claim: “Definitely not a follower of Sauron. The palantír in Trump Tower lobby is for decoration only — not for communicating with dark lords!”